Radar

Dear Jack,

I have just finished watching my favorite (and most heart-wrenching) episode of MASH. It is the episode where Radar leaves to go back home, and in the process of saying goodbye, the choppers start to bring in wounded, preempting the party fellow 4077 peeps had planned. Even now, thinking on the goodbyes my eyes well up with tears. This episode of MASH is so moving, it's almost astonishing. From the kisses for Peg and Erin to the salute from Hawkeye, to the final symbolic movement of Radar's journey from boy to man by leaving his teddy bear behind, I find that each segment of this episode to be equally moving and brilliant.

I always cry whenever I catch this episode. Something about it is inherently sad and joyous at the same time. But the piece that always moves me the most is the teddy bear that it left behind. My tears always turn to full, uncontrollable sobs at that point. Always for the same reason - the loss of innocence.

I don't know if you have ever had the pleasure of seeing Johnny Depp's Finding Neverland. If you have not, I highly recommend it. There is a similar scene in the movie in which George, the eldest of Kate Winslet's children comes to Depp's character (author of Peter Pan, J.M. Barrie) and voices his concerns about his mother, grandmother, and younger brothers. Depp sadness is profound, as is his silence. George simply looks at him, his voice steady and heavy with responsibility. Depp simply sighs and says that George has grown up, "the boy has become a man". And in that moment, you know that he can never go back to being what he once was, and you also know that the child was too young for that kind of decision.

George became the name of the father in the play, whereas his younger brother's namesakes in the play became John, Peter, and Michael.

Who, I wonder, was the truest of the lost boys...

It has been a few weeks since my last post, and for that I am sorry. Got caught up with the play, and with becoming Emily. She was so unlike me, and yet... not. She was a challenge, but one that I hoped I stood up to and claimed as my own. I miss her voice in my head. Perhaps the sobbing tonight brought her near for one last goodbye.

I had dinner with an old friend tonight. I was reminded of why we were friends all these years, and even more so why we do not communicate as easily as we once did. Some say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I actually think it's the promise of reunification that brings about happy, nostalgic memories. Wild fantasies that abound with what could have been, and then the reality comes with what is most decidedly not...

That's all human being are... just blind people. That's what Emily thinks, and that's what I think as well. Blind people who walk themselves into the same mistakes over and over again, if to only be reminded at the end why things didn't go the way of the illustrious "what if"...

And yet, there is something inherently human about wanting something that you can't have. Why? I don't know. Maybe for the challenge of it all. Maybe for the hope of someday being able to attain the unattainable. Maybe because being all alone in Harry Potter's cupboard, it's the only thing you have to hold onto some days. "Who knows... down the block, down the street, maybe tonight..." Tony sings to Maria.

"Maybe tonight...."

Always,
John